POWER AT WORK

NEW SITE - LIVINGWITHPOWER.ORG

2010-03-06T20:40:00.001-06:00

This website has officially moved.

the new and improved site is now Living With Power!

livingwithpower.org

please visit my new site for blogs and updates on my life and thoughts.

thanks for stopping by.

Lina

for my parents who don't have facebook!

2010-02-28T07:32:00.003-06:00

guys just being cool

me and my sister in law patricia

waiting to see a great great shedd aquarium show called "Fantasea". it's 2 extra bucks and worth every cent of the admission price.

the penguins are behind us. they are my favorites.

stupid enough to wait in line for over an hour to get into the shedd on a cold chicago day. i didn't have socks on, my nephews didn't have gloves.

ya, i'm not used to grab and go with kids. didn't have a mom bag full of paraphenalia....

the princess and the frog

2010-02-27T21:54:00.001-06:00

i think this picture says it all.

and no, the frog doesn't actually change into a prince.

danger

2010-02-27T09:43:00.003-06:00

a couple of months ago i went to the grocery store to buy some things for a recipe.

now, let me make a little disclaimer before i go on....if you know me or have ever met me, that right there is a pretty crazy statement. i included the word "I" and "grocery store" and "recipe" in one sentence, but yes, it's true, i did go to the grocery store to buy some things for a recipe.

it was around christmas time, and i had spent more money than i wanted to on gifts, and frankly, i was looking for a good deal.

the guy sitting at the table inside the entry to the grocery store did not strike me as someone to avoid. he even had his walker next to him. and he looked like he was giving away free cubs shirts and stuff. so when he talked to me, i stopped and listened.

turns out he was gonna sell me an 8 week subscription to a local chicago newspaper in exchange for one of 3 possible gift card choices: $5, $10, $25.

let's just say i was hooked. and the cubs hat wasn't even part of the deal...

i walked out with my $10 gift card.....i guess i'm lucky but not that lucky.....with a grin on my face.

little did i know that i'd been had.

the chicago sun times is the absolute worst newspaper i have ever been embarrassed enough to get to my house and if i don't discontinue it asap, i am worried it'll be held against me if i ever run for office which God willing, and my mind cooperating, i will never be stupid enough to do.

be careful what you read.
be careful what you let into your trust, and house, and mind.

not everything that looks good for you actually is.

in fact most trash out in our world is offered to us at what seems to be a very low price.

but it never is.

the cost is who you are and what you can become if you don't put an end to it!

just thought i'd share.

hope

2010-02-27T00:56:00.002-06:00

my hope is built on nothing less
than Jesus' blood and righteousness
i dare not trust the sweet frame
but wholly lean on Jesus' name

i love these words to this old hymn. matt redman has a great newer remake of this song if you like him. i must have listened to it 100 times driving today and it still hasn't gotten old.

i think about all the things i do build my hope on. things like money, or a good retirement account, my house which was a good investment. sometimes i build my hope on people. i'm often guilty of that. i figure if that relationship would just work out, everything would fall into place. or i build my hope on the church and being involved in meaningful ministry. i even get in this rut of building my hope on my looks, or lack of them depending on the day! if my hair would just turn out right...other times i build my hope on the future, and my dreams. and when they don't actually become realized, my whole outlook is clouded and my vision is obscured.

my hope is built on nothing less
than Jesus' blood and righteousness.

not just words to a hymn, but my prayer for myself tonight.

picture crazy

2010-02-24T13:09:00.002-06:00

i've never taken a lot of pictures in my life - my family can attest to that - but i just bought a camera for my haiti trip - and now i'm unstoppable!

me and my dad. i feel like i look exactly like him in that picture....yikes....i used to think i looked like my mom...ha!

then again how can you resist this smile?

i like that sunset.

visiting my folks

2010-02-24T12:58:00.003-06:00

my parents have been married for 41 years.

i think my mom married my dad for his good looks.

here they are again. you can barely see the sunshine behind them because their smiles are so bright! ha...

me and my mom. she's the wisest woman i know.

prayer

2010-02-21T20:29:00.004-06:00

my mom lost her bracelet yesterday. we had just gotten home from dinner when she noticed her bare arm. i hate that moment when you realize something is missing. i mean, it could be missing for days, and it makes no difference to you until that moment when you notice that it's missing.

i was already dressed for bed when i saw her make her way to the door committed to find that darned bracelet. i knew the bracelet wasn't a particularly expensive one, so i was a little annoyed by her focused energy at finding it, and honestly, i was in no mood to get dressed back up to go with her on this silly scavenger hunt. but even i am too polite to let my aging mother hit the town alone looking for a needle in a haystack.

we started with "bealls", our favorite discount store where we had spent a few post dinner moments trying on various clearance items. we crawled around the store scraping the floor in search of a blue bracelet while a few scattered hard of hearing, near sighted retirees stared on convinced we had lost our marbles. even the ladies at the check out desk smirked when we asked if anyone had turned the bracelet in.

my mom was devastated. she's not one to lose anything, and despite my reminding her that a fake bracelet means little in the scheme of starving children and hopeless people in the world, she closed her eyes and set out praying.

we had almost made our way back home when something prompted me to call the restaurant where we had eaten dinner. now i was sure the call was useless but i figured i had little to lose in making the call. i was apologetic to the restaurant as i explained the reason for my call, and was astounded when they stated that they in fact had the lost bracelet.

my mom was ecstatic as she affirmed to herself how much Jesus loved her and had answered her prayer.

at first i chuckled.

but as i think about this story today, i'm struck by how much deeper my mom's prayer life is than mine. there is no prayer request that is too little for our God, and there is no need that is too trivial. if you don't ask, you won't get. and if you ask, do it in faith. God hears. God cares.

Go ahead. do it. you may just find that bracelet you think is lost.

faith

2010-02-20T07:28:00.005-06:00

have you still no faith?

Jesus asks his disciples this simple question in the middle of a storm. he's asleep in the boat. unfrazzled. they are freaking out.

mind you, they've already been with him for some time. they've seen him turn the water into wine, and heal the sick, and remove demons, and make the lame walk. they have heard him teach. heck, their whole lives have been radically transformed by him: from fishermen, and tax collectors to following this man who claims to be God.

then a little wind blows and their lives are turned upside down. and Jesus is sitting just an arms length from them, but they accuse him of abandoning him, of not caring.

i am amazed at how much my life and attitude reflects that of the disciples in the boat.
i believe Jesus is the son of God, born of a virgin, lived a sinless life, predicted that he would willingly lay his life down for me, went around doing a million miracles, was wrongly accused and taken to the cross to die, but he agreed to this knowingly simply because a sinner undeserving like me needed a way back to God, and then he ROSE AGAIN! his body was never found. his disciples were so radically changed that each ended up dying for him. and christianity grew and endured much. and today i know Jesus and he lives in my heart. he's saved me. i've given my whole life to him. he has radically transformed me. he has protected me and provided for me, and proven to me again and again that he is God. he has answered my prayers and healed my broken heart, he has loved me through periods of failure and given me grace when i have not deserved it.

and yet the minute the wind rises, and the waves grow, and the sun hides behind a cloud, i seem to forget that he is right there unfrazzled, unfazed by any of it. and when i finally slow down enough to listen to him speak, i hear his words clearly:

lina, have you still no faith?

24/7

2010-02-17T17:58:00.001-06:00

Where is your God he asks
And looks at me
With piercing eyes
In tattered clothes
All warmth evades
His mother dead
His father gone
The future bleak
Disaster real

Where is your God she asks
Her child is sick
All hope is lost
No tears roll down
Her shattered face
She sits alone
In disarray
If God did care
Why does he dare

Where is your God they ask
We used to pray
The word obey
But trials came
Along the way
Our shoulders bend
Beneath the strain
Of hurtful words
And broken dreams

Then suddenly
the wind picked up
The sun came out
Behind the hills
And clouds began to
Disappear
And then too soon
In turn the moon
Shone brightly down
For all around

My God is big
His presence near
By day by night
And come what may
In summer, fall
And winter, spring
There is no need
He does not see
Nor angry word
He does not hear

He never leaves
No matter what
And just when I
Misunderstand
His purposes his plans his way
He still is near
And whispers clear
My child I’m here
Yes even still
I’m always here

labujamra

welcome

2010-02-15T18:16:00.004-06:00

hi!

welcome to my blog!

if you are looking for blog updates on haiti, just scroll on down, or use the index of contents on the right. the first entry is called "day one", and the last one is "reentry".

i hope you enjoy your time at this blog, and visit again sometime to see what's happening in my world!

you can also follow me on twitter @Linamay.

Lina

costco

2010-02-14T15:43:00.004-06:00

some battles are just not worth having.

like the battle i just had with the guy at costco. i'm in the self check out line, everything is going just dandy, when this short hyper guy in jeans and a hand held scanner attacks my shopping cart and hollers about the inability of the machine to read the loaf of bread i'm in the process of buying. um, excuse me, but did anyone ask you to talk?

ok, i don't know about you, but my main thought at that moment is "lay off, buster". as if he couldn't make matters worse, he orders me to leave the bread in the cart and loudly asks if i have ever used a self check out before.

now listen, i may not know a whole lot about a lot of things, but like most women in the United States I have in fact used a self check out line before. and what's with the anger over the bread? it's not like i was trying to steal a rolex.

i find that my sense of humor sometimes evades me when i need it the most. see, most normal people could just laugh such an incident off. but not me. no. my rights have been violated, i need a lawyer. or a store manager at least. by the time i've hunted for someone who cares, my blood pressure is through the roof, my items are not purchased, and no one is the better for it but my friend with the hand held scanner who couldn't give a darn what i thought.

and i look over and see my sister just chuckling away.

yeah. some battles are just not worth having.

unanswered prayer

2010-02-11T11:36:00.003-06:00

i'm befuddled by your plan
perplexed by your way
confused by your road
certain i'm off base

i'm frustrated by your speed
annoyed by your actions
irritated by your patience
certain i'm off base

i'm discouraged by your answer
disappointed by inaction
discordant by nature
certain i'm off base

i'm resigned to your goodness
submitted to your wisdom
surrendered to your word
certain i'm okay

© labujamra

reentry

2010-02-11T08:30:00.003-06:00

i've been asked by many how i've adjusted to reentry to life in the United States since returning from Haiti.

Easy.

I've rushed.

Between finding a gas station with a working air machine to fill my semi flat tire, to starting a new job, to paying my now late bills, to catching up with old friends, and returning phone calls, and cleaning, and doing laundry, and shoveling snow, and updating the blog, and grocery shopping, and catching up on bible study, and and and....

there hasn't been any time to worry about reentry.

and yet, only 4 hours away by plane lies a country devastated by one of the worst natural disasters of all times, with over half a million homeless people trying to survive, and thousands of children still trying to find their parents, and hunger, and confusion, and anger, and illness.

i don't want to rush by my life anymore. i don't want to quickly forget.

i want to experience the pain of reentry in its fullness, the sense that i have too much, that i have led myself to believe that i need too much, that i have forgotten what life is really all about.

my third grade teacher once wrote in my report card: "lina needs to take time to smell the roses".

it's about time i learned that lesson.

farewell

2010-02-07T21:30:00.005-06:00

Heart beating
thoughts racing
refusing to
leave behind
gaping smiles
and hopeful faces
Fists clenched
knuckles white
holding on
tighter

Tears fill
eyes fixed
on rear view mirrors
of dust rising
and rubble fading
the moon watching
o'er people lined
on empty streets
afraid of
hunger

And one by one
things held on to
dearly lose
their luster
til one thing remains
not wealth nor power
not self nor comfort
all else pales
only you shine
brighter

© labujamra

return home

2010-02-07T20:08:00.001-06:00

I made it home safely 6 hours ago. It is hard to comprehend the content of the last two weeks.

I shed my first tears on the drive out of haiti. I believe God gave our team the ability to work hard, to function at our best with some level of intellectualism in order to offer strong shoulders to our brothers and sisters in Haiti. The tears have continued to come. I am sure it will take weeks and maybe even a lifetime to totally comprehend the impact this medical trip has had on my life.

I am overwhelmed by God's hand over us as we went about doing His work. We were never hungry, never too hot nor too cold, never too dirty, never unsafe, and always aware of the privilege of being given an opportunity to offer ourselves in a sacrificial manner.

Thank you - each of you - for your prayers and support. Your support - whether in material things like medical supplies, or in thought - makes you part of our team. We couldn't have done it without you. May you continue to see fruits of this labor through our stories and updates in weeks to come.

more memories

2010-02-07T19:50:00.005-06:00

The hardest part of doing relief work is hearing the stories of young boys and girls and seeing the sadness and despair in their eyes.

I met Dol the first day of clinic at the soccer stadium. He told me he lost his mother in the earthquake. The next time I saw him was in the clinic. He came with his 2 y/o brother. His medical complaint to us was that he hadn't seen his 2 y/o brother smile since his mother died.

on the third visit, he actually showed me a cell phone picture of his dead mother.

Dol is the saddest little boy I have met. It's hard to find the right words to say to a 13 y/o boy in such moments. I will always remember Dol and keep him in my prayers.

The guys in the green shirts are the most amazing group of guys i have met. they were our drivers/interpreters/bodyguards/helpers all in one. Each of these men had lost immensely during the earthquake - some lost loved ones, all lost material goods and homes - yet they showed up daily with a smile and a zeal for work.

They kept telling us that we were VIPs in their country because we were "medicos".

The truth is i have never met a more VIP group of men in my life. It was an honor to be a part of their life for a few days.

Leaving Haiti by Jen McNulty, MD

2010-02-05T15:39:00.002-06:00

Today was our last day in Port-au-Prince. The medical team split into two groups; one went to the stadium to staff our regular clinic and the other went to the Petionville Club to evaluate another site for a clinic. I was feeling sad that this was our last day, but I was also looking forward to hugging my husband and children.

Sean Penn has a non-governmental organization that is here providing support to other relief organizations. They are set up adjacent to an army base at the Petionville Club. It used to be a country club and golf club. Now there are more than 20 acres of temporary housing set up on its grounds. The Israeli and Germans have been providing medical care, with the Army docs backing them up and providing transportation out of the camps to higher levels of medical care.

I am positive that we made a difference here in Haiti. There were many cases of only mild illness, but the patients clearly felt better just being listened to and having a stethoscope of an American doctor on their chests. When you look into the eyes of these children, they are sad. But behind the sadness rests strength, and these are a people that will overcome this devastation. If nothing else, they have taught me the meaning of human spirit, and I will never be the same. What an honor to have served them.

always smiling

2010-02-04T17:12:00.003-06:00

this beautiful boy lost his parents in the earthquake. he came up to us at a gas station, and just wanted to talk.

his smile won my heart.

the best part of doing any relief work - in my opinion as a pediatrician - is seeing smiles on the faces of children despite their difficult and sometimes impossible circumstances.

i have much to learn from these kids.

and below is a sweet sweet girl - already babysitting little brother.

street wise

2010-02-04T16:35:00.004-06:00

you can be homeless, broke, even hungry, but there's never a reason to be dirty.

i love this picture because it depicts so much.

first, notice the pictures on the wall. despite the great tragedy that has hit haiti, people are still resourceful and looking for ways to stimulate the economy. i bought 2 beautiful paintings from a street vendor today.

then notice the little boy. he's helping his father with this simple task. it's touching and real.

finally, how can you not love the man who is better soaped than most people who own a shower if not two!!!

we were driving home from clinic one day, stuck in traffic, tired and hot, looking out the window, and there in the middle of the street were these men playing cards.

we initially got smiles from all three, but i think the sassy man could tell we needed to really laugh a little, so he taunted us to take his picture with his tongue!

this has become an all too common site for us. it's lines of people waiting for food being handed out by the UN.

the haitians have given me a whole new perspective on patience and waiting. you may hear about riots on the news, but honestly, given the number of people standing in line in dire need of something to eat, i have never witnessed a more patient people.

doctors in action

2010-02-03T23:21:00.010-06:00

our team of collaborators: a haitian ob/gyn with a displaced private practice, a group of surgeons from the philippines, the heart to heart group, and us - the children's memorial/heartland alliance group. i'm way up on the left..

and the 2 crazy docs are jen mcnulty and yours truly....don't ask what we were doing!

um....nice face...

team work

2010-02-03T22:58:00.005-06:00

one of the greatest challenges we have faced in setting up a medical clinic has been maintaining an ongoing supply of medicines for the large number of patients we see daily.

it was evident on day 2 of clinic that the supply we brought with us from the US would quickly dwindle to little as we hurried through hundreds of patients' chief complaints.

we would quickly learn the bureaucracy of international relief work: multiple cooks in a small kitchen leading to slow supply chains and difficulty delivering resources to those in need.

our team leader, jennifer mcnulty took the challenge by the horns and determined to overcome every obstacle to meet the need of the people we were serving. i think everyone at the UN, WHO, and UNICEF, as well as log base (the central meeting point of all relief organizations in a disaster area) now know Dr.Jen.

the upside was that jen's determination bought us a little time and some additional necessary supplies to hold us over for another 2 days of clinic, but we still felt that we were short in medications and clinic needs.

so about 3 days into our 2 week trip Jen's husband Kevin got to work on the matter from his glen ellyn home. i still do not know how kevin got the ball rolling and into the goal line so quickly, but within 2 days, kevin had over 400 tons of equipment and meds, and close to $20,000 donated by friends and family to the cause of helping the people of haiti. foremost in the donations is Children's Memorial Hospital who actually was the organization that got our team together and sent us to haiti in the first place!!

by another miracle, Kevin managed to find a plane flying into Port au Prince (the plane is a CARES international plane, owned by Baxter corp), and we were ready to go with an abundance of supplies by day 6 of our 2 week stay.

our clinic became a collaboration of several groups of physicians: our team of pediatricians and family doctors, the Heart to Heart medical team, a group of surgeons from the philippines, and a private practice OB/GYN haitian doctor who used to be in private practice but lost his practice due to the earthquake.

thanks to kevin's hard work and the donations of every single person, we have become the major suppliers of free and necessary medicines to a population of thousands of haitians in the center of town!!

thank you to each and every one of you who has donated money to this cause.

if you wish to donate more money towards the medical work in haiti, here are some ways:

heartlandalliance.org : donate to the relief work in haiti, and specify that you are giving for the medical relief work

https://www.sbtbanknow.com/index.html

Become a fan of Suburban bank and trust on FaceBook and the bank will donate $1, up to $1000, to support their work for every new fan added through February 14th.

thanks in advance!!

Children's Memorial Medical Team to Haiti

15 minutes of fame

2010-02-03T22:48:00.004-06:00

we didn't come to haiti looking for attention or fame, but the reporters were everywhere.

of course, my friend and colleague Jen McNulty's only dream was to make it on NPR. we're not sure if her dream (and her husband's kevin mcnulty - more on him later) will come true, but we hope and wait!

here are links of articles that have mentioned members of our teams:

http://www.suburbanchicagonews.com/napervillesun/news/2017583,6_1_NA29_HAITIDOC_S1-100129.article

http://sec.wbir.com/photo/04Ar7Gr8wdeLl

http://www.daily-jeff.com/news/article/4761444

http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/files/photos/9/9fef7300-d30a-487e-b160-43bf4824d843.html?SITE=NMALJ&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

the medical clinic

2010-02-03T22:27:00.003-06:00

waiting for the doctor in dignity.

the israeli medical group began this clinic site at the soccer stadium in the center of port au prince. later, a medical relief group called heart to heart would take over it, and we were lucky enough to jump in on the action and become one of the main group of physicians to provide care for this tent city of thousands with daily visits of 300-400 patients. we hope to run this clinic for at least 6 weeks under the support of heartland alliance.

our soccer stadium tent city is blessed to be on turf. we grew to love this community of haitians that we served in our clinic.

the first day of clinic we treated over 400 patients at the SOS children's village orphanage. the children are beautiful and well cared for.

aftermath

2010-02-03T22:24:00.006-06:00

I hear the sound of dissonance

the cries of children rising

from deep within the earth, trembling

save us, Lord, save us

I hear the sound of emptiness

of broken houses sinking

of lonely people wandering

help us, Lord, help us

I hear the sound of hunger

of hands stretched out waiting

and hollow eyes despairing

fill us, Lord, fill us

i hear the sound of silence

steady in the night, beating

and children under stars sleeping
heal us, Lord, heal us

reflections

2010-02-03T22:03:00.004-06:00

i've never had a hard time expressing myself in words. yet the words have been fleeting as i've tried in vain to verbalize some of the emotions i've had during the last 10 days.

i remember driving through port au prince and initially thinking that things weren't as bad as everyone was saying. a few minutes later, we met our drivers/interpreters/bodyguards (3 in 1! and guys who would become friends and daily companions to us) and headed towards the center of town. i would quickly discover that i had vastly underestimated the damage to this country.

our driver, named Elysee, was a young man with a wife who is due any day and a 4 year old son. we soon began seeing rubble upon rubble and evidence of destruction beyond our wildest imagination. Elysee became more comfortable when he found out i spoke french, and we began hearing the first of many nightmares that were all too common among the haitians. he described how his family was saved by the skin of their teeth as they were headed to church moments before the earthquake hit. both his wife and son were safe, though their house destroyed, but to this day his wife has bruises all over her body and has not yet been checked by a physician. he is living on the streets, and daily heads out looking for food while his wife patiently and fearfully awaits his return home with something to eat. he lives in fear of sudden noises, fear of the unknown, fear of the future, and fear for his family.

what surprised me the most, and continues to surprise me, is Elysee's steadfast faith in God after enduring such hardship. he believes it is God who protected him and his family and who continues to meet his daily needs. after so much destruction one would expect hopelessness. instead, i have met men and women who are thankful for their life, and hopeful for the future. i have met men and women who are happy to see foreiners among them, helping their people, loving them. i have met men and women that i hope i can emulate were i to endure such a fate myself.

thank you, haiti, for allowing us to be among you and learn from you.

more pics

2010-02-03T21:40:00.003-06:00

there are packer fans everywhere! smart haitian!

haitians are so patient. lines are everywhere. lines for banks. lines for cell phones. lines for water. lines for food. lines for doctors. patiently waiting. and so thankful. i love the people of haiti.

i've learned never to take water for granted.

random pics

2010-02-03T21:18:00.004-06:00

on day 1 we were still in the car after a 10 hr ride (which we were later told should have only taken 6 hrs), and were entering a town square. caught in stop and go traffic, i caught the eye of this little boy who stole my heart with his smile.

our first view of a tent city. i didn't even know what that meant until i came to port au prince. the displaced people of haiti have nowhere to live, so they have created these tent cities that have now become neighborhoods and homes. our eyes would get so used to tent cities, i don't even blink anymore at these unbelievable sights of human overcrowding and need.

first impressions

2010-02-03T21:12:00.004-06:00

my first impression of driving into port au prince would turn out to be very naive. we approached the city from the east, and must have come in on a portion of the town that was not as affected by the earthquake. the earthquake is referred to by the people of haiti as "L'evenement" which literally means "the event". i would later understand why they would refer to it as the event.

i grew up in beirut, lebanon in the 70s and 80s. i know all about destruction and damaged buildings. i know what it means to be afraid. i grew up dodging bullets and familiar with underground shelters. i understand water and electricity shortages. i know despair and fear.

nothing would prepare me for the sights i would see in port au prince.

nothing can prepare you for devastation to that magnitude.

and nothing, i mean nothing, would prepare me for the spirit of the people of haiti - a spirit of courage and resiliency.

water for life

2010-02-03T21:05:00.002-06:00

water is a rare commodity in haiti today. this young girl was enjoying a hot afternoon by the water fountain. of course the condition of the water sanitation is currently a great source of trouble for the people of haiti.

the border

2010-02-03T20:54:00.003-06:00

here we are at the border. this was one of the scarier part of our time in haiti. the line between the dominican republic and haiti is invisible and short. heartland alliance specializes in child protection services so a large part of their work involves monitoring the border for child trafficking and child slavery.

of course this would later become a big issue in the news, but the practice of taking "orphans" away from haiti to the US is common and easy.

thank God for people who are fighting for the rights and protection of children.

day 1

2010-02-03T20:38:00.003-06:00

our medical team of 3 doctors and 3 nurses left chicago on january 27. we arrived to the Dominican Republic late in the night, slept for 2 and a half hours and were ready to go to haiti at 6am on the morning of this picture. we were scared. we didn't know what to expect. but we wore our brave faces that morning.

none of us could have predicted what was ahead for us in the 2 weeks to come. the challenges were present, but we lacked nothing in food, water, safety, or comfort.

on the day of this picture, we would drive for close to 10 hours into port au prince to meet the people from heartland alliance, our host relief organization in haiti.

Promises

2010-01-08T19:07:00.002-06:00

You've promised to be faithful
to give me all i need
to protect me from the enemy
to quiet all my fear

You've promised to be true
your every word is sure
i rest in your safe harbor
and give my life to you

You've promised to be the answer
for every whispered prayer
in absolute surrender
i relinquish all to you

© labujamra

undeserved

2010-01-08T18:59:00.004-06:00

Is mercy still mercy
when i've done it again
when i've used up my chances
when i knew but still did

is grace still grace
when i deserve what i get
when i'm stubborn at best
when i've failed every test

is love still love
when i've slammed my heart shut
when i refuse to give in
when i'm right no matter what

O let mercy be mercy
when i need it the most
when i'm down on my knees
and my face's in the dirt

And let grace still be grace
when i deserve it the least
when i feel like a mess
and i've nowhere to go

O let love still be love
when my heart feels like stone
when my will's just my own
and i find i'm alone

© labujamra

yesterday

2009-10-10T14:08:00.004-05:00

Surrounding me the color hues

Of reds and yellows and background blues

Reminding me that sometime soon

The days the years they vanish too

One by one the leaves fall down

Like broken dreams forgotten now

While busy people trample by

Rushing on with empty frowns

Along the way beneath the clouds

With head held high a lonely swan

In stately splendor floats on by

Unaware of furrowed brows

Oh days of yonder days gone by

When all that filled my idle times

Were hopes and dreams yet still to come

Now fading ‘neath the growing piles

untitled

2009-10-01T14:18:00.005-05:00

Holy Spirit have your way
in my life come what may
ears to listen tis my prayer
a heart that's willing to obey

take my worries toil and care
give me joy and peace today
make me soft and broken too
quick to listen love and do

where there's anger bring your peace
where there's fear be still near
when i'm wronged help me be still
when i'm tried i'll wait on you

come Holy Spirit come
in this moment through the day
take control have your way
settle o'er me always

© labujamra

stillness

2009-09-25T22:23:00.004-05:00

Take me to the place
where i can hear
the waves ripple
the winds whistle
and minnows bristle

Take me to the place
where i can see
far above the highest tree
over sailboats anchored deep
in waters steep

Take me to the place
where i can taste
the quiet of the evening shade
and feel the moon upon my face
and what you say

Take me to the place
where i can dream
and stillness dares
to intercede
and all is peace

© labujamra

update

2009-07-16T21:51:00.002-05:00

i feel like i owe the few random readers of this blog a sort of apology/explanation for the sporadic entries of late. no.....i'm not thru saying what i have to say....i've just had a bit of a break as i've been expending my mental energies teaching the Bible instead! i will be thru with this short busy season by the first week of august and you should get regular input from me at that time.

if you are a woman in your 20-30s, come to harvest bible chapel on thursday night for the connect bible study and you can catch me there. it's been a blast teaching there.

otherwise, you can catch me at the Elgin women's conference at harvest bible chapel for the pearls conference: http://www.harvestbible.org/Content/4/155002.pdf

have a great summer until i write again!

longing

2009-07-02T23:22:00.002-05:00

can you hear me even though i'm silent

can you see my tears though my face is dry

do you know how much i need you

that i can't last another day without you

do you know how much i'm longing

to give you my whole heart

do you know how much i'm hungry

for a heart that never parts

Lord i'm so longing for you

i'm so desperate for your holiness

i'm so broken inside

i don't think i can survive

can you hear my heart even though it's breaking

do you see all the shattered pieces

do you know how much i want to

follow you for all eternity

do you know how much i want

a life of full surrender

do you know how much i need you

at any cost o lord, to humble me

father i'm so longing for your presence

i'm so desperate to obey

i'm offering you more than just emotion

here's my heart it's yours to keep

outside

2009-06-17T07:07:00.004-05:00

i'm on the outside looking in

where folks are gathered

to laugh and sing

and share old tales

of climbing gales

and sinking valleys

and still the glass

though clear to see

separates

I'm on the outside looking in

i knock i wait

gesticulate

hoping if i laugh and sing

some poor old soul

will let me in

where i can join

the gathered throng

participate

I'm on the outside looking in

it's bleak out here

the clouds are thick

the raindrops stick

i crane to see

faces blurred

no longer clear

the glass has lost

transparency

I'm on the outside looking in

if only i could find a way

to enter in some narrow way

perhaps someday

the glass will break

and step by step

i'll make it there

but for today

i watch i wait

thankful

2009-06-08T16:47:00.004-05:00

this little light of mine
i was gonna let it shine
but mired by a bog of clay
i found it hard to pray
let alone to say
where all of my strength lay

and with all flavor gone
i might as well be thrown

wasted bland ashamed

i was driven to despair

and heard the piercing cries

a life of hypocrisy

but then my savior's voice

whispered oer the noise

tis not your life that counts

but mine that paid the cost

my blood once spilled not lost

so precious is that cross

impact

2009-06-05T10:24:00.001-05:00

I thought I could change the world

with the power of my words

I thought I could make you smile

if I walked with you a mile

I thought I could help you see

how rich your life could be

I thought my good intentions were enough

to help you overcome your stuff

I thought I thought

O vain the thought

I talked and talked

and still you balked

But I'm a little older now

and I can see more clearly how

it's time to let you go

to let God take control

It's taken me a while to learn

it's not my hand that's at the stearn

it's not my words my time my way

but all about God's endless grace

tribute to single women

2009-06-03T09:12:00.007-05:00

i know God has a man for me somewhere

o where o where is his pretty mane

i wonder have you seen his handsome face

roaming among millions all over the place

does he have a page on my space

does he carry himself with much grace

do you know if he has a job that pays

does he have a past to erase

if you see him resting near the fray

won't you kindly point him my way

tell him i've been waiting

while the chimes are sounding

tell him i like flowers

and houses with big gardens

and don't forget my ardor

for men with a little candor

reality check

2009-06-02T10:07:00.003-05:00

Have you ever been living your life, minding your own business, trying to make the best of things, when you suddenly hit a wall?

I'm not sure when I started veering off the main road, i'm not sure when i took that wrong turn, but somehow, someway, i did. And it's been ugly.

The funny thing about it is that a lot of people may not have noticed a huge change. After all, these kinds of things happen slowly, subtly, and it only becomes obvious that something is wrong when you're suddenly 100 miles down the road and too lost to turn around.

I suppose some people could explain away the subtleties. Oh, she just broke off her engagement. Give her some time to adjust, to rearrange her life dreams and vision. Or maybe it's the economy. Times are tight. Everyone is stressed out. It could even be a family thing, her parents are aging, you know how hard that can be. I suppose some people may even understand and excuse the changes. After all, it's busier than ever in the ER....this swine flu thing really took a hit on everyone....no one appreciates doctors anymore, the hours are long, the pay is low...and on and on the excuses go.

But today i've decided no more excuses. No more pretexts. No more blaming my boss, or the current administration, or the check out lady at the grocery store.

I'm making some changes starting today. I'm making some resolutions starting now. I'm sure this list will grow, but a girl's gotta start somewhere....so, here goes:

Resolved to put God back on the throne.

Resolved to be quick to repent over my wrong attitudes, wrong motives, wrong choices and wrong words (because i know i'll fail and often!)

Resolved to go back to the basics.

Resolved to love those who are hard to love.

Resolved to listen more and speak less.

Resolved to give up my rights for the good of others.

Resolved to refuse the lies of the devil.

Resolved to wait.

Resolved to enjoy today because i don't know what tomorrow brings.

Resolved to trust God's timing and plan.

Resolved to proclaim Christ in everything i do, and when actions fail me, to speak His name loudly and resolutely.

Resolved to respect everyone. no exceptions.

Resolved to recognize and submit to the authorities in my life even when i don't agree with their decisions.

Resolved to live my life for God's pleasure and renown.

Resolved to love Christ and the cross.

He is my life, my hope, my all. It's time i start living that way again.

So help me God.

broken

2009-05-29T08:01:00.004-05:00

He can't walk she quietly complained

can you check his legs I think he's in pain

maybe his toe, it's fused and it's hurting

maybe he's slow because he's not eating

His arm it's not moving I thought I heard her saying

please doctor check it make sure it's not aching

what if something happened

what if someone hurt him

He lay in her arms listless and not moving

his tiny body limp helpless unassuming

his father now long gone, his only hope

his mother I pondered with a frown

And then much too soon the pieces all fit in

I knew I had the answers the ones I wished I didn't

I eyed her with contempt all innocence forgotten

I spit the words out harshly his every bone is broken

confusion

2009-05-28T18:26:00.002-05:00

I've been waiting for God knows what

looking for who knows who

going only God knows where

I've been searching for who knows what

aiming for God knows where

asking only who knows why

I've been wondering about God knows what

praying for who knows who

pondering only God knows why

I've been listening for who knows what

straining for God knows where

hoping only who knows why

I'm thankful because God knows what

leaning because He knows where

smiling only I know why

top 10 reasons i had a good ER shift

2009-05-28T07:24:00.004-05:00

10. i get to leave 5 minutes early

9. not a single parent questions my judgment or disagrees with my plan of care

8. the test i do is actually positive for a change

7. every spanish speaking family actually has its own family interpreter with them

6. i don't fight with any consultants

5. i don't fight with any primary care physicians

4. not a single parent warns me that their real job is in the law

3. no one dies

2. i'm not the patient. i'm just the person seeing the patient

1. i actually look forward to going back for another round today

still alive!

2009-05-27T08:16:00.006-05:00

I just can't believe it's been over a year since i last blogged.
But I'm back!!!

You may be wondering where I've been....where should I start?
I've been busy....I've spent some time arguing with Louise at the local Jewel Osco, and I've had my share of car trouble....oh, and I was in and out of a serious relationship....

But, well, you know...nothing too unusual....

The important thing is that I'm back so be on the outlook for new entries now!

And I have missed you all....well, at least the handful of people who kindly lied to me and told me they read my entries!

Talk to you again soon!

the african way

2008-04-01T04:54:00.004-05:00

i want to live

the african way

though clouds obscure

and rain is sure

unshaken

i want to wait

the african way

though questions loom

and come what may

unfrazzled

i want to pray

the african way

though answers tarry

and words be few

undoubting

i want to dance

the african way

though others watch

and music's off

uncensored

i want to hope

the african way

though plans unravel

disaster threatens

undaunted

i want to die

the african way

though years be short

with troubles fraught

unfearful

pain

2008-04-01T04:46:00.007-05:00

soul blemishes marring faces
eyes cast down avoiding gazes

fading scars reminding

of imperfections lurking

hidden handicaps in children

threaten revealing more

that's not quite whole

and others stare unashamed

hideous defects uninvited

surrounding me unsummoned

head pounding whispers rise

yelling out you're incomplete

blessed fate now convinces

no pain endured is wasted

the little boy peeks eyes smiling

and i see his arm - missing

2008-03-21T13:00:00.003-05:00

i'm heading out of town for 2 weeks. i'm sure i'll have plenty to say when i come back...

don't miss me while i'm gone, and stay grounded - in the word, in good relationships, in acts of kindness...

2008-03-19T23:21:00.001-05:00

i know my last poem is pretty cynical, but that's the ER for you. everyone thinks their problems are unique, but at the end of the day, it's the same old same old. it's true they say there's nothing new under the sun. i see it every day at work. and doctors get tired, and grumpy like the rest of the world.

i know you know.

i guess i was just explaining a little what's behind my observations - up close and personal - of an ER...

the ER

2008-03-19T23:12:00.007-05:00

another day, a gun shot wound

fever, headaches and parachutes

one by one they trickle through

febrile seizures and turning blue

another line they stand up straight

heads bent down while they wait

others sicker pass them by

silently they wonder why

another doctor one more question

he mumbles quickly without much passion

he barely sees their retching faces

overwhelmed by too many cases

another word they don't get

minds cluttered they start to fret

suddenly the doctor's gone

it seems as if they're all done

another day a fainting spell

wheezing cough no way to tell

back pain, leg pain, any pain, belly pain

after a while, it's all the same.

my life

2008-03-19T21:29:00.007-05:00

i want my life to be more than this

more than money and mistaken bliss

more than mere service of these lips

i want my life to measure up

not with acts for men to see

not with the heart of a pharisee

i want my life to count for you

no more sadness and feeling blue

no more wandering without a clue

i want my life to be more than this

more than treasures here on earth

more than houses made with dirt

i want my life to simply say

in childlike faith she loved to pray

rain or shine or come what may

pride

2008-03-16T19:07:00.007-05:00

i'm too restless to surrender

too satisfied with lesser things

too sated to feel hunger

too shallow to cry out

i'm too busy to notice

all the lost souls around me

i'm too narrow minded focused

on nothing else but me

i'm too strong to understand

too sufficient to see my need

too dependent on myself

too stubborn to confess

i'm too noisy to listen

to more than just my words

too dumb to figure out

there's more to life than this

i'm too rushed to smell the roses

too harried to slow down

too proud to bend the knee

Lord i beg you - deliver me from me

the cross

2008-03-10T17:09:00.004-05:00

compelled to carry that wooden cross
the road began with joy and glee
each bend and turn promised relief
of life's routines and monotonies

but soon i staggered beneath the weight
of heavy burdens and loads of care
my heart tightened like a noose
unspoken needs, hard to lose

my shoulders stooped bent in pain
my cross a thorn hard to bear
all around me others stood
alone my soul misunderstood

what did i do to deserve this cross
now laid aside with cumbersome dross
my feet blistered like leaded freight
while i still shuffled in bended gait

then suddenly my eyes were opened
and next to me was one so gentle
he said that it was not intended
that this my cross be born alone

and as he bent to pick it up
i noticed something on his palm
it may have been dried up blood
or perhaps it was a well healed scar

next thing i know we're marching onward
my friend and i with welcome glee
my face shone brightly for all to see
my cross now light, my heart set free!

grace

2008-03-03T18:42:00.007-06:00

just when i thought i was free

like a lion hungry and fierce

it pounced on me mercilessly

while i stared above helplessly

just when i thought i'd broken its spell

like a tower attacked i crumbled and fell

surrounding me - taunting me - nothing but jeers

and the loud laughter of defeat

just when i thought i'd escaped

my guilt, my shame, my hopeless state

the memories of promises now starting to fade

my shoulders stooped under the weight

just when i thought i'd used up all of his grace

i found myself in a brand new place

my eyes transfixed on his gentle face

his arms outstretched in a loving embrace

2008-03-03T18:39:00.002-06:00

not sure why i haven't blogged in a while...i just haven't felt like it...

anyway, maybe i'm back - but i don't want to commit to anything.

so, i just wanted to say hi again, and for the handful of you who read this blog, enjoy the next few days...or weeks..

lina

night shift

2008-01-26T15:22:00.001-06:00

hush now, the clock is ticking
lights are dim
in windows flicker
shadows pierce
the fog surrounding
snow glistens
reflecting light
where darkness snickers
hush now the clock is ticking

hush now, the world is sleeping
my mind is racing
rest is fleeting
even the moon
with clouds is covered
and stars above
have disappeared
the day is over
hush now the world is sleeping

hurry now, it's almost morning
the sun is peeking
straining slowly
against the backdrop
of drooping eyelids
and pounding rhythms
almost ready
silence reigning
hurry now, it's almost morning

untimely death

2008-01-25T08:26:00.001-06:00

How could I tell them the truth
their son lay lifeless and blue
his feet now clammy and cool
his eyes a colorless hue

How could I face them alone
their knees bent down on the floor
their words an echo forlorn
their faces in agony torn

How could I in duty go on
his memory still hovering near
the smell of his laughter adheres
the sky and the moon hide in fear

How could I in despair lose all hope
when I know life and breath He controls
quietly all my questions elope
and gently my tears He cajoles

anonimity

2008-01-18T00:04:00.001-06:00

lost in a world full of people and worms
a number, a name, just a peep and a squirm
pictures not taken and faces forgotten
words barely spoken, phrases now stolen

around me the feeling that others are not
as lonely or broken, or tied in a knot
illusions of happiness almost deceive
in quickness of mind the lie I perceive

prayers that reach the expanse of the height
of faith that is shattered and now taken flight
if only the crumbs would fall from his table
giving me temporary rest and i'm able

the hem of his garment is out of my reach
i stretch and i strain he's all that i need
suddenly weary the quiet is eery
he reaches to me he knows me completely

potholes

2008-01-10T13:26:00.001-06:00

potholes and craters
dream terminators
sudden, unwanted
surprising, undaunted

i try and i swerve
unsuccessful, the nerve
of others who curse
my thoughts intersperse

avoid them i would
if only i could
bumpless and easy
i wouldn't grow weary

but it's the potholes you see
that allow me to be
all that i am
and hope to be

doctor

2008-01-05T12:16:00.001-06:00

doctor, doctor, i'm in pain
they cry out to me in vain
don't they know they're not alone
look around at all the clones

doctor, doctor, i've been waiting
i hear them thinking echoes rising
if only they could understand
i'm just a member of the band

doctor, doctor, please help my child
he's fallen, i can't wake him up
i turn, i try, i'm almost blind
i wish that i could make it stop

doctor, doctor, don't you care
i'm not a number to erase
i stare, i wonder, at each face
and silently in prayer i dare

Sin

2008-01-05T11:51:00.001-06:00

i can barely hear him now
i wonder with a frown
what's gotten in the way
please make it go away

i'm powerless to fight it
it's quick and quite destructive
no matter how i want to
i find myself inept to

some say i must try harder
the current is getting stronger
my only hope is higher
my God - my Jesus - savior

what's to come

2007-12-15T21:00:00.001-06:00

i know that God has great things for me
it's just hard to see them all right now
so i stare into the ceiling
dreaming of what's sure to come

i know that God's word is true
it's just hard to believe it all right now
so i stare outside my window
hoping that my dreams will soon come true

i know that the christian life isn't easy
it's just hard to walk it faithfully
so i stare into the mirror
praying for the strength to finish

i know that every prayer will be answered
it's just that mine are a little late
so i stare into God's eyes
knowing that he will soon come through

i know that God has great things for me
he's keeping them stored up somewhere
as i grow into his image
preparing to some day receive them

hot dogs and life

2007-12-13T09:58:00.000-06:00

midway through my shift last night i found myself starving, with no money to buy myself dinner. all i wanted was a hot dog.

sick of hearing me talk about it, the clerk suddenly got up and put her coat on.

next thing i know, she's back, hot dog in hand. thrilled to pieces, i ate it without any hesitation, a big grin plastered on my face.

but here's the best part of the story. there was a third party involved. we'll call her rita.
rita had money. but the place was out of her kind of dog. so my friend doing the good deed used rita's money to buy my hotdog!!

i know this is a stretch, but how like salvation this story is.

desperately hungry, with nothing to bail myself out, i needed a third party to pay the price for my need.

that's what Jesus did for us: he took what was rightfully his, and willfully laid it down for us, so we could live freely for him!

it cost him everything.
and i'll spend the rest of my life thankful for him.
with a grin on my face.

mean people

2007-12-11T21:03:00.000-06:00

ever wonder why people are mean?
i run into them all the time.
mean drivers fighting you for the best parking spot in the lot.
mean grocery clerks, tired of being at their posts.
mean people, quick to verbally attack.
never giving the benefit of the doubt.
mean people even in the church.

shouldn't be a surprise..

yet all you have to do is dig a little deeper.
and you'll find that mean people are just tired.
mean people have often been hurt themselves.
and they just don't know what to do.
so they stop being nice, and they choose to be mean.

mean people make me sad.

making sense of the little things

2007-12-11T08:34:00.000-06:00

i met these 2 really cool people this weekend. the meeting was unexpected and serendipitous.
i knew they would be cool, and i knew i was lucky to meet them.
but all good things come to an end, and before i knew it, they had both gotten on a plane and flown back to their respective homes.

and i'm left contemplating the meaning of the meeting.

i know there are some of you out there who think good things stand for themselves. that there doesn't have to be a great explanation for every great thing in life.
but i think differently.
i believe that there is a reason for every meeting, and that someday it will all make sense and fit like pieces of a sudoku puzzle.

i logged on to my new friends' websites (believe me, i use the word loosely).
i was hit with a wave of nausea as i realized that despite my personal grandiosity and occasional narcissism, i am just one in a thousand encountered by my new friends.

so i sit here this morning, lost in the surrounding fog, unable to see 200 yards away, quietly reflecting on the meaning of life.

does anyone know i'm out here?
does it take a blog to prove my existence?

then my mind wanders to a barn 2000 years ago.
and i smile as it dawns on me.
every little thing does matter.
there is someone who cares about the details.

and what looks like a random illegitimate birth in a stable under the eastern skies ends up being the greatest moment in human history.

suddenly, the fog seems to lift.
and i smile.

tonight

2007-12-08T22:59:00.001-06:00

It’s quiet in my house tonight.
You can almost hear a pin drop
There’s no one with whom to fight
No one to hold on tight

It’s cold in my house tonight
You can almost see my goose bumps
No way to keep warm in sight
I’m tempted to take flight

It’s lonely in my house tonight
You can almost feel the wind
Of my next door neighbor’s kite
As it flies into the heights

I’m dreaming in my house tonight
Of the day that’s sure to come
Where I’m free of this my plight
And it no longer feels like night

It’s Jesus in my house tonight
He walked in while I was busy
He said I had the right
To give him my dark night

It’s happy in my house tonight
I’ve decided to surrender
To Jesus all my rights
In return for something bright

christians

2007-12-07T12:47:00.000-06:00

a friend sent me this poem that i want to share with you. I hope you enjoy it like i did.

Christians - By Maya Angelou

When I say... 'I am a Christian'
I'm not shouting 'I'm clean livin'.'
I'm whispering 'I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian'
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... 'I am a Christian'
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on.

When I say... 'I am a Christian'
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.

When I say... 'I am a Christian'
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... 'I am a Christian'
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.

When I say... 'I am a Christian'
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace

clutter

2007-11-30T09:36:00.000-06:00

i put away the laundry today!
it's something i try to procrastinate as much as possible, but there is a limit even to my delays: when the guest bedroom turns into a linen closet, i know i've waited way too long.
then i tried fitting in all my running t shirts and pajama bottoms in the little drawer in my dresser.

it was a clutter of confusion.

but i pushed shirts down, and stuffed them in, and before i knew it, i was able to slam the drawer shut. barely. God help the one who will attempt to open the drawer!

you know what i'm talking about. little trinkets with nowhere to go, so they end up in another storage box, piled up on another stack of books, or another slew of old CDs no one listens to anymore.

today i was thinking i hadn't blogged in a while. but it's not because i haven't had much to say, on the contrary, i've had too many thoughts swirling around my 2 ounce brain and the clutter in my mind is looking a lot like my dresser drawer.

what do you do, when this happens? when thoughts become so rushed, and it's hard to figure out something's head from its tail?

of course you can throw out all the t shirts and pajama bottoms, or buy another dresser. but i think there is really only one thing to do in these moments of clutter. one thing that gives a measure of reason and a drop of hope.

it's simple, really. when my mind is full of clutter, i turn off the radio. mute the TV. hang up the phone. shut down the computer.

and i choose to be still.

i then experience an unfamiliar and sometimes scary sensation.
some have referred to it as "silence".

but it is in this stillness that God brings order out of my confusion, neatness out of my clutter.

and another blog posted for anyone who cares to read it.

a tender heart

2007-11-21T08:45:00.001-06:00

Give me Lord, a tender heart
a heart that's not on guard
gentleness and humility
the ability to love set free

Give me Lord, a heart so tender
ever patient ever gentle
quick to see the need around me
quick to sense you nudging me
always willing, surrendering
my own needs abandoning

Give me Lord a heart so tender
unafraid to surrender
it's been a while since I've cried
doesn't matter how I've tried

So Give me Lord a tender heart
a heart that's true, never hard
I want to be more than smart
holy humble and contrite
I know I struggle and I fight
please Lord - let me do what's right

Give me Lord a tender heart
a heart that worships from the start
ever longing to be broken
giving more than just a token

Give me Lord a tender heart
I need O Lord a tender heart
Now Lord - before I shrivel
I beg you Father to deliver
Please Lord a tender heart
ever Lord - not on guard

a moment

2007-11-12T18:54:00.001-06:00

it takes a moment to change the course of one's life.

a moment to say yes, a moment to say no.

a cup of coffee with a friend.

a date.
a second date.
a marriage proposal.

a new job.
a promotion.
or not.

cheating on a test.
looking at another man's wife.
a yes. or a no.

the promise of love.
the "i miss you too".

Jesus' death on the cross for you

a yes.
or a no.

and eternity at stake, in nothing but
the power of a moment.

inconvenience

2007-11-10T08:37:00.000-06:00

i was thinking a little about what it is that keeps us from doing new things in life, and i've come to the conclusion that it can be summed up in one word:
inconvenience.

whether it's getting out of bed to have an early breakfast with a friend, or driving out to a bible study in the middle of the week, or starting a new relationship, there is an element of effort that i for one want to evade.

wake up, people! this is the age of starbucs drive throughs! even a cup of coffee can no longer just be enjoyed leisurely with a friend, or lazily with a book in hand, now we drink our coffee on the way to our next appointment - our favorite show that we tivo'd earlier in the day...

most of us email instead of calling thus avoiding a two way conversation. we can just hang up when we want to! we text because it's more convenient, when secretly it's because we know it's the best way to conveniently control our lives to our rhythms.

self centered? perhaps...

but opportunities are passing us by...opportunities to learn from others, to grow, and to sometimes even fail. opportunities to become a better version of who we are.

if we would only take the time to stop....
if we would only be inconvenienced for a moment.

laziness

2007-11-03T06:56:00.001-05:00

it's so much easier to be lazy.

so much easier to skip your workout, drop that relationship, refuse the challenge of starting something new.

so much easier to just stop blogging.

easier to stop asking the hard questions.

easier to not make any changes.

easier to give up on God.

easier to just be lazy.

watching TV, microwave dinners, drive throughs, even computers have taken the place of paper and pen.

we are a people who likes to be lazy.

easier to not take risks.

easier to miss the blessings.

easier to become jaded.

easier to refuse to become who we were truly meant to be.

who said easy was good?

2007-10-25T11:13:00.003-05:00

i'm going to san francisco for a few days, so you may not hear from me in a while. then again, if i find a computer, there's no telling what kind of things i may say..

i have mixed feelings about work related trips. i find myself burnt out on work related meetings. it's funny...i remember being a medical student, and wondering what it took to attend important meetings and play a key role in them.

now i find myself faced with responsibilities - i suppose you would call my job at this meeting a moderately key role...and all i can think of are the good old days when i was a free bird. days when i could skip all the sessions and enjoy the simple charm of a city. days where no one made demands, days where no one really looked for me.

not that a bunch of people do now..but just enough to annoy me. just enough to make this a real "work" meeting, leaving little room for freedom.

i guess the older i get the less ambitious i feel.

or maybe it's just that my ambitions have changed, my perspective taken on a sharper focus.

long gone is the desire to impress my colleagues. now i find myself just wanting to enjoy the days God has given me here on earth.

it's funny how that sinking realization comes almost a day late -
then again, it's never too late to live.

2007-10-24T09:43:00.000-05:00

yesterday i received a comment to my post "no title" that was kind and generous, but hinted at the notion that i was thinking of shutting down this blog.

today i feel the need to clarify that i have no intention of "going underground".
some of you may be taking a deep sigh of relief while others may be hitting your head against the wall...

here's the deal. i am who i am and am not ashamed of it. those who know me well know that i am not a voice to be silenced.

i do, however, strive to be loving and caring to all. and when my comments risk hurting others, even unintentionally, then those comments need to be moderated.

that is why i erased my post "on dating". which i somehow regret now. i liked that post. and i have since found out that amusement and not hurt was the result of it.

oh well. c'est la vie, as the french say, and i will just have to think of other more amusing things to blog about.

thank you all for reading and for your support.
i will likely post something later today.
keep waiting.

ps don't you all wish i had stuck to my touchy feely punch line posts of yonder days?

no title

2007-10-23T22:47:00.000-05:00

so, it may seem like i haven't blogged in a while, but the truth is that i did post a blog last week that i quickly removed.

here's the thing about blogs: they aren't anonymous.

and sooner or later, i'm finding out that posts come back to haunt me.

the funniest part about that wretched blog is that the very person that i wasn't sure i wanted to read my blog happenstanced upon it.

well, he and my brother of course. i can always count on my brother to read my blogs and comment on them.

and he always has good stuff to say about them, mind you.

not that i post all his comments. but that shouldn't be taken personally either.
i believe it's my right to decide what i post on my blog.
like freedom of speech or something.

anyway - my views on dating haven't changed much in a week. and no matter what anyone says, dating is not like a business deal.

it's much more complicated than that.
and i for one don't claim to know anything about it.

good night.

easy to fix

2007-10-15T22:29:00.000-05:00

today a "friend" of mine complained that my blogs all sound the same.

now that's a problem that's easy to fix.

stop reading.

wish everything in life was that easy.

it's raining

2007-10-14T17:53:00.000-05:00

i drove down from Wisconsin to Chicago today, and it rained the whole way down. almost.

here's how it played out. when i left wisconsin, the packers were losing. it was terrible. the rain wouldn't stop. i could barely see the road, and my contact suddenly moved from its place in the middle of my eye.

between trying to adjust it, and worrying about the packers, things were looking grim. then to make matters worse, i was almost out of gas. the light in the dashboard came on. i hate that. it makes me nervous. but at least by now my eye was back to normal. still - i couldn't shake this feeling that things were going to get worse.

the rain wouldn't stop. somehow, the packers managed to score enough to lead by three. but of course, then came the inevitable turnovers. but then it was the redskins that lost the ball and we recovered on the 9 yard line. the offense - true to form - and despite my all time favorite quarterback's middle aged effort, were unable to capitalize on that "gimme". and there was still a quarter and a half left to play.

did i mention that the rain just wouldn't stop. i had a bad feeling about the home team's ability to pull this one off.

but i kept listening to the "static-ey" am station. i hate am stations. the light no my dashboard was still yellow. and i was stuck in stop and go traffic. my heart was beating fast. faster than it has beaten in a while.

and just when things couldn't seem to get worse, the oasis sign flashed before my eyes.
by the time my gas tank was full again, i noticed something else too.
the rain had stopped.
and the game was over.
the packers won by 3.

is it raining in your life today?
just wait. before you know it, the rain will stop.
it always does.

discontent

2007-10-08T12:59:00.000-05:00

the last couple of days have been beautiful sunny summer like days in chicago - at a time when temperatures are usually 20 degrees lower.

people at work have mixed feelings about this. some people - the sun lovers - are thrilled. others, the snow birds, can't stand it.

i got to thinking...that's the trouble with us. it's alway either too cold, or too hot. too wet or too dry.

and our dissatisfaction isn't limited to the weather system. it extends to the stuff we own. things are either too expensive, or too cheap. too long or too short. too stylish, or too dowdy.

and then there are the people we meet. especially guys. they are either too good looking, or not good looking enough. too rich or too poor. too nice or not nice enough. too organized, or too sloppy. too strict or too loose. too touchy feely or not sensitive enough.

and how about work? a day is either too busy, or too slow. the customers too demanding, or too carefree. too rushed, or too slow. too smart, or just not smart enough.

most of us think of God that way too. He's too judgmental, or too merciful. too much grace or too much law. too generous to those who don't need anything, or too forgetful of our needs. too patient with our enemies who deserve punishment, or too attentive when it comes to our small sins.

never happy. always complaining. discontent.
and plain wrong.

maybe it's time to change.

boss pleasers

2007-10-05T07:45:00.000-05:00

as i sit here and blog, i'm missing a meeting at work. a meeting that is not mandatory, but that is of some importance. it's not for lack of trying, or believing that it's a good meeting...but it's purely and simply for reasons that are honorable and true.

what's funny is that the first thought i had as i glanced at my watch and noticed that making the meeting had become an improbability, was that my boss would be ticked. and i realized that what bothered me more wasn't that i would miss a potentially useful meeting, but that my motive in going to that meeting had more to do with pleasing my boss than anything else.

when did i become the kind of person that tries so hard to please my boss? when did i lose sight of what is most important in my life? when did i become such a boss pleaser?

listen, i'm not advocating dropping personal work responsibilities. but i am telling myself it's time to reevaluate why i do what i do. it's time to refocus, and make first things first. it's time i realize that the reason i work hard, and the reason i strive for excellence has nothing to do with the guy in the corner office.

it has everything to do with the guy in the upstairs office.

he spoke

2007-09-30T22:03:00.000-05:00

do you ever go through times where you don't really hear from God? i hate those times. it can be confusing trying to figure out why those lulls linger. is it unconfessed sin in my life? or am i just not stopping long enough to hear what he has to say?

i think somewhere in my warped mind i picture God waiting for me, and when i say "go", he will start speaking. like it all hinges on me.

yeah, scary - i know...but that's how nuts i can be.

i recently went through such a time. it was frustrating enough to feel forsaken by God, but the timing couldn't have been worse. i was facing the beginning of a new ministry, and was going through a number of personal struggles.

what could i do? believe me, i tried everything - from pitching a fit, to talking to others about God and his neglect of me, to using the silent treatment to force him to speak.

how silly i am, when faced with this plight!

i finally gave up and simply figured i'd take him at his word, and wait.

two days ago the answer came. like waters breaking through a dam, like the mighty rushing wind, there was no mistaking his voice.

have i mentioned that there is nothing like it?
so if you find yourself staring into space, wondering if he ever will speak, keep waiting. the answer will come, just not when you want it and not how you want it.
after all, you're not God.
He is.

breaking bad habits

2007-09-30T21:46:00.000-05:00

bad habits are hard to break.
you know what i'm talking about.

some people overspend, others overeat. and yet others over exercise. i wish that were me!
some people gossip, others get angry, and then there are some that just can't agree.
for some it's what they do, for others it's what they think, and for many it's still what they see.

you know what i'm talking about. some habits are just hard to break.

it's not for not wanting to change. but time and again, some people try hard, others try harder, and yet on their faces they keep falling.

the answer is easy, but so hard to do. one step at a time, one day at a time.
Christ gives the strength, and change you He will.
you must never give up.
he helps you again and again.

silence

2007-09-24T10:23:00.001-05:00

what's so hard about being silent?

i think about my life.
mistreated. misjudged. misunderstood.
unappreciated. unrecognized. sometimes underestimated.
and i am quick to speak. quick to fight for my honor, my dignity, my self.

then i think about His life.
mistreated. misjudged. misunderstood.
unappreciated. unrecognized. often unwelcome.
and i am quick to see. not a word spoken. absolute silence.

what's so hard about being silent?

new beginnings

2007-09-21T12:08:00.000-05:00

i love all things new. i remember buying my first new car. how clean it smelled. i also remember with fondness the look of my first new apartment, the paint still a crispy white and the furniture untouched. i remember opening the fridge that still had no trace of use.

oh, and i love new clothes, how they hang in the closet, without a wrinkle. i love finding new restaurants, or a new road to work, a shortcut perhaps. and of course i love a new friend, the beginning of a new relationship and all it has to offer.

i love that God is about new beginnings. yesterday was the first day of the bible study "power at work". new people coming together for a new year of bible study with much promise and enthusiasm. new curricula given out to women hungry to delve into God's word for new wisdom. an opportunity to turn a new page and start fresh with God, examining goals for the year and setting new priorities.

i love it.

it reminds me of God's mercies, new every morning.
his forgiveness, poured out again and again, giving us a chance to start all over again, no matter how "dumb" we've been.
his grace, newly felt after stumbling down the wrong path for the umpteenth time.
his love, enveloping us afresh, allowing us to extend ourselves once more to that person who hurt us regardless of deservedness.

new life. new hope. new opportunities.
revel in that thought, why don't you, and resolve to make a new beginning today.

great poem

2007-09-19T08:13:00.000-05:00

I loved this. Hope you enjoy it too. I'm not sure who the author is.

"I walked a mile with pleasure,
she chattered all the way;
But left me none the wiser
for all she had to say.

I walked a mile with sorrow,
and ne'er a word said she;
But oh, the things I learned from her
when sorrow walked with me."

forgiveness

2007-09-18T07:13:00.001-05:00

the longer i'm a Christian, the harder it is to ask God's forgiveness for my sinful actions.

when i was a young Christian, it was easy. half the time i didn't know that i was doing wrong, and i felt that God was still in the process of teaching me new things. there were habits that needed to be broken, sinful ways to be made right. there were things i just didn't know.

a bit later on, when i had grown up a bit, i started noticing that i would still sin in areas that i knew were wrong. but i figured God knew that i needed reinforcement. so i would try to impress him with the quality of my plea for forgiveness. i would also count the days i would go before sinning in that area again. the longer the time between sinful episodes, the better i felt about myself.

lately, though, i am what you would consider a fully grown Christian. i can feed myself, dress myself, and am even showing others how to do those things. and this is where things have gotten hairy. because all of a sudden, asking God to forgive me for things i know i shouldn't have done sounds trite and insincere.

do you ever feel that way? the funny thing is that even as i'm typing those words, i realize the silliness of my self made, performance based, 'i can impress God with my actions' theology!

God is love. His steadfast love endures forever. His mercy is everlasting. There is no end to His patience. There is no limit to His faithfulness. That's who He is.

but, but, but - wait a second....how can it be so easy, you're wondering?

that's the thing. it isn't. it wasn't. it cost God EVERYTHING for us to have that privilege.

it cost God his Son.

do you get it?
God forgives.
so just ask him already!
no matter how "old" you are...

2007-09-16T20:14:00.000-05:00

hello everyone. i'm still here. sorry i haven't blogged in a while. but i find it's tougher keeping up a blog than i had anticipated. all of a sudden i'm worrying about new things in my life - like is the blog interesting...is anyone really reading it....how many days should i wait between blogs....should i just write something really deep once a week, or should i overload the blog with daily nonsense.

as if i didn't have enough things to worry about already!

well, i don't have that much to say today. it was one of those great days with great weather, a great sermon at church, great time with friends at lunch. i had a great haircut, then spent a great evening with my sister's family and the day is not even over yet.

ugh. i'm going to be sick. did anyone say great!!

anyway, here's what i've decided. look for a new blog every couple of days. i'm planning on mixing it up. some blogs will be useless like this one, others will include my deep (though still useless!) thoughts. your comments are welcome.

meanwhile, have a great week at work.
because here's a thought: your day can be great, even at work!

what a day

2007-09-11T22:06:00.001-05:00

i had one of those days today that i'd rather erase from my memory - my boss and i had it out. and although most of what he said was unfair, there was about 2% of truth to his words.

2% of truth that hurts!

here i was functioning under the impression that i was the best thing that's ever happened to my work, secretly thinking that they were just lucky to have me!!

but apparently, i'm not perfect... who knew??

have you ever been there? all of a sudden, one of your itsy bitsy flaws is magnified for everyone to see. ouch!

what do you do when you are put in that painful place?

of course i got angry, i felt victimized, then i had bad thoughts about my boss. and i confess i was even close to tears driving home....but as i finally got my prayer hat on, and started thinking about what Jesus would do, i realized that there was only one solution for me.

say no to self. humble self. take responsibility for my actions. confess. repent. change.

words that hurt. but words a christian cannot ignore.

i think i'm already on the road to change, but i have a feeling it's gonna be a bumpy road ahead.

believe me, i may even need a supernatural force to help me out!

oh, but here's the thing: i already have that supernatural force in me.
his name is Jesus.

passion

2007-09-09T14:15:00.000-05:00

As I look out my window I see the path that leads to a stadium. There is a soccer game this afternoon, and I have never in my entire life seen so many people rushing to one place with a single goal in mind: cheering their favorite team on to victory.

Passion for something is an interesting concept. You can be passionate about a sports team, an activity, a particular gadget.

Still - misplaced passion - as passionate as it sounds - means absolutely nothing. The point isn't the passion itself, but the object of one's passion.

We live in a time where ideology is rampant. Most of the people I work with are pretty passionate about things like global warming and recycling. I suppose to work in the crazy ER environment, one also has to be passionate about helping the poor and social equality.

And then there's religion. Who hasn't heard of great acts of philanthropy and sacrifice in the name of a church or a particular faith? Passion continues to lead many young men and women to give their lives in the name of their false god.

But again: misplaced passion means absolutely nothing!

One day, we will see hoards of people marching on - not to a soccer game - but to face Jesus Christ - sitting on His throne. Refusing to believe that notion does nothing to change the reality of it. It will happen.

Will you recognize him when you walk into that stadium?

Believe me - if you know Jesus - well, that's something to cheer passionately about - at home or at work!! Don't wait until eternity to electrify your world with that knowledge. Reach out in love to those around you with that truth. It could change their life.

my first blog

2007-09-06T07:15:00.001-05:00

It's a lot of pressure trying to figure out what to say on this first blog!! I know, I know, only 2 people are actually going to read it, but those 2 people could end up being my mother and Oprah Winfrey!!

Power at work.

I want it. I want to be able to face my boss and respond in love. I want to reach out in kindness to that really really mean person in the cubicle next door. I want to turn the other cheek, be willing to give up the seat up front, and, yes, pick up that towel to wash those feet.

It sounds lofty. And maybe it is. But that's the thing about Bible Study. God has a way of showing up during Bible Study. And what seems impossible all of a sudden becomes natural.

Power at work. It is possible.

Why don't you give it a try this year?

Come to Harvest Bible Chapel in Rolling Meadows Illinois on Thursday night at 7pm. I'm teaching the class called power at work: biblical principles for the working women. We're studying the book of genesis. It's gonna be great.

You can also check out my website poweratwork.org for more detals about the class!